you know frustration when you’re trying to express what’s on your mind but can’t find the right words or any words, or when something is about to all come together like finishing a puzzle but something else happens and it all falls apart..argh.

frustration can lead to many other emotions like anger, anxiety, stress.. so how do you handle those times of frustration when everything is building up and waiting to blow up in your face when you least suspect or when you least want it to?

maybe i should go watch the game..

i think all throughout my life, i would wonder what it would be like to be a parent and have kids of my own.  and i seem to think it more whenever i did something wrong and my parents would get angry at me… i would wonder if i would have reacted the same way, say the same things as my parents did when something went wrong.
i always use to think my parents had it all right.. i knew they weren’t perfect, but i supposed that their ways of raising me was substantially more lenient and loving than the stories that my friends would tell me.  as i grew older, i find myself thinking more often “i would never say that to my child” when i find myself being reprimanded or just having opposing opinions.  i must say that i do try to see it from their point of view and think about how i would act if i was my parents’ in that situation..
my parents have expectations of me and whenever i don’t meet those, then they get disappointed or even become angry at me.. and if you know me on a personal level, you know that my parents mean the world to me and i love them very much.  but i know that the past 23 years of my life i’ve been trying to live up to those expectations and tried to dodge every bullet that has gotten in the way.  and by now i’m sure that you are thinking how unrealistic that actually is..  yes it is..  very unrealistic.
i don’t know why it took me so long to realize that however much/whatever i do will never be enough for them and that my life belongs to God, not to my parents.  upon coming to that truth, i felt relieved yet also uneasy and almost a nauseating within..  relieved for obvious reasons.  uneasy because i knew that i couldn’t be the all-complying daughter that they raised & hoped for anymore..
but i know that God is good and even though i feel like a lot of my foundation has been taken away, i know that God is still my crutch that i haven’t seen or used.. and it looks as though that it’s all i really needed to begin with..

i recently went to a lan party..  my last one was in my 2nd yr of college with brian, joves, jason, hj, and andrew.. hahaha that was EPIC ( :  anyways so i went knowing that i couldnt really play any of the games that they would be playing since i had my mac..
you may be asking “so why did you go?”  i guess mainly bc i wanted to watch someone pwnage everyone ( ; hehe and even though i had met more than 90% of the people there that night, i couldn’t help but to feel nostalgic and remember the many lan parties i went to when i was younger..  hahaha i feel like such a loser writing about all this, but yeah anyways it just reminded me of all the times i hung out with my younger brother going to pc bangs and play cs (counter strike) and other times when we all just got on to sc (starcraft).. hahaha
to be honest, i miss playing like a addicted maniac (lol) and even though this may sound weird, but i think playing games was a way of bonding with whoever i was playing  with ( :

gosh i need some pc windows!!! ;D

wow i can’t believe that i’m starting a blog again..

i don’t really know what to write about, but i guess i’ll figure it out as the time goes..

it’s cold o_O